Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
