The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
