I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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