OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
