Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
