WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
