he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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