So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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