how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
