My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
