Soap is not a condiment
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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