i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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