I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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