So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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