Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Those nachos came to me in a dream
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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