i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
