one two three fourrrrnication!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
