Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
