she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize