ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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