you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
