We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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