why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize