I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
