Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
