I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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