there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
