U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
