Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
