just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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