So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
