vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
