Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
