the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
