Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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