i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
40s are totally the cure
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
