At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
