I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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