On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
