My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm too high and old for this...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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