I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
