i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
