Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
