Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
