Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize