i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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