I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
