I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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