you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
