Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize