Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
