Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
My life is pants optional.
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