Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
