update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
