you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize