Sober January is a disaster.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
