Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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