I'm laying in your front yard are you home
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
