also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
