I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
