Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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