Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize