True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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