i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
